Escape to Sanity
Miranda gripped the steering wheel of her Atlantic blue Jeep Cherokee until her fingers began to cramp. Tears were streaming down her face blurring her vision. Her heart was beating so fast that the pounding of blood in her ears almost drowned out the crooning of Highway 101 singing,
“Oh-Whiskey, if you were a woman
I’d fight you and I’d win, Lord knows I would
Whiskey, if you were a woman
I’d drive you from his tangled mind for good”
She managed a weak laugh at the thought of how realistic the lines sounded as she tried to hum along between her self-indulgent sobs. Leaning her head into her rough, unmanicured hands, she rubbed her unkept black eyebrows back and forth with such fervor that it felt as if she might uproot them.
Her body seemed to be on autopilot; she was barely aware of her driving. Only the feel of the air conditioning blowing the auburn curls around her sea green eyes kept her occasionally in this world. Her mind raced through the events that had brought her to this point in her miserable, confining life. Oh, if only one had hindsight. Would she have done it differently? What went wrong? Why couldn’t she see it? Did she see it but refuse to accept the eventual outcome? Was there ever any way to stop this freight train from crashing?
Pictures like scenes from a movie flashed in front of her, bringing on more tears. Finally Miranda spotted the rest stop ahead. She pulled off the busy four-lane highway and shut off the car. Here, in the dark, with only the sound of her two children’s breathing and the buzzing of the cars, she let the floodgates open. She shook her head in amazement at how she had spent the last 15 years of her life. The first 7 were fine, in fact, sometimes they were so wonderful she had to pinch herself. The trouble with Steve’s addiction all started when his father died. This is when her life became a rollercoaster of emotions. Placing her head on the steering wheel, she cried uncontrollably trying to stop the onslaught of events that were playing in her head.
Warm breezes gusted through the truck window and blew Miranda’s hair. She looked over at Steve, he was crying like a baby and shakily topping his coffee mug again with vodka. Her heart went out to him and she completely understood why he would want to drown his sorrows. She couldn’t imagine what it felt like to loose a father. God knows that if she felt this terrible he must be falling apart inside. She could grant him this one temporary comfort. He looked so childlike; vulnerable as he sipped his drink, “Why did he have to die? What was he doing down that road anyway?” he sobbed these words for the hundredth time during the drive home. Steve leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
Miranda was awful at consolation, she had no words of advice; all she could do was listen and even felt inept at that. So she chose to remain silent and kept driving and thinking; thinking and driving. It seemed like only moments when she noticed that it was silent in the vehicle. She glanced at the clock and realized that an hour had transpired. Steve had finally passed out. Miranda was amazed to see that the twenty six of vodka was almost empty.
“Empty!” Miranda laughed out loud, “Boy was I a fool. That one empty bottle turned into a graveyard of empties. God, if I had only known that the bottle would replace me as your best friend I may not have made that pit stop at the liquor store that day.” Feeling the anger well up inside Miranda clenched her hand into a fist and slammed it into the steering wheel. “Damn that booze! It has ruined you and us. The house was too crowded with it there. It made you become an impossible person to love.”
Miranda’s feet became feathers when she spotted Steve’s truck in the drive. She was not expecting him for a few more hours. Delighted that she had prepared for their anniversary days before, she skipped into the yard.
“Why the hell are you so late? Your lunch break starts earlier than this. I came home sooner so we could spend some time together, now you’ve ruined it. How typically selfish of you!” Steve blurted out. Miranda’s pace slowed down still intending to give him a kiss until he continued, “You’re just like your bitch of a mother. Always thinking of yourself.”
Swiftly the gentle wind sent the noxious aroma of alcohol to Miranda’s nose. Sighing she thought to herself, “Oh no, not again! Just ignore these rude remarks once he sleeps it off everything will be okay. Maybe when he sees the roses I left for him he might soften up a bit.” Out loud she replied, “I sure missed you. Why don’t you come on inside and I’ll make you something to eat?”
“Missed me! Sometimes I wonder!”
“Oh, you will forget all that when you see what I have planned for us tonight.” Feeling the excitement return she reached over and caressed his thigh and said seductively, “I’ve sent the kids to Mom’s for a few days and we will have the chance to…”
“You did what?” Steve replied slapping her hand away, “What makes you think that I want to spend the night alone with you; without my kids? You’re so stupid! I have been gone for two weeks and now I will have to wait a few more days to see them. Don’t you ever think?”
Miranda’s eyes filled with tears. Turning away she fled up the stairs and into the house. “I can’t do this today. Today of all days he has to come home drunk. Oh God how I hate this.” She flopped herself down at the table trying to compose herself only to be immediately disturbed by Steve’s next remark.
“Don’t walk away from me when I am talking to you. What are those on the table? I see you have been wasting our money again! You are quite useless if you can’t remember that I told you I despise flowers. Sometimes I don’t know why I ever married you. Maybe we should just get a divorce. I’d be better off without you and the headaches you cause me.”
Miranda could not contain herself anymore, “You’re such a prick! I am sick and tired of you treating me like a child. I feel that when you are around I should be seen and not heard. Well, not this time. And as for these roses,” she said picking up the large crystal vase and threwing it at him, “You can shove them up your ass. If I wanted to be treated like shit I would have stayed at work for the lunch hour.” Miranda grabbed her keys, furiously slammed the door and ran back to work trying to tidy up her tearstained face.
That scene, she reflected, was only one of many. Over the last few years there didn’t seem to be a day that went by without Miranda having to walk around on eggshells. It didn’t matter when Steve started drinking in the day it was just the fact that once he started there was no stopping him until he passed out. He became such a mean person, not physically but cutting with the words. Sarcasm was just something he seemed to serve up with dessert.
“I spent most of my life trying to become a strong person and in just a few short years you made sure there wasn’t anything but a trace left of that strength. You degraded me, cut me off from my family and made me frightened to ever make a mistake. All I ever seemed to wish for was for you to pass out. That was the only time I felt any sanity from your sickness. Now, here I sit more scared than I have ever been.” Miranda shivered as she thought of how her life had changed and tried hard to decide what her next step should be.”
“Mommy, why are you crying?” Quickly wiping her nose and drying her eyes Miranda turned to look at her sweet baby girl, Rhiannon. She looked so small in the back seat with her long hair all a mess and her big brown eyes showing so much concern. “Would you like to hug Odie? He always makes me feel better.”
“Mommy just has the sniffles. She’ll be okay.” Taking the cuddly stuffed puppy out of her daughter’s hand she replied, “I’d love to hug Odie. Thank you! Now go back to sleep.”
Brushing Odie along her cheek, Miranda smiled. The faintest aroma of cologne lingered on the velvety fur. She sighed remembering the day Steve won Odie. They had spent the whole day together laughing and holding hands while walking the hot pavement at the fairgrounds. After shooting only three dummy bullets Steve had hit his mark each time on the wooden gopher. Afraid to lose his winnings by trying again he had accepted the treasure and lovingly handed it over to her with a long, wet kiss. Reminiscing about their erotic nature walk afterward sent a shiver up Miranda’s spine. His tender caresses and gentle lovemaking were so vivid that she felt her heart begin to race like it was still happening. No other man had ever made her feel this way. He even had the ability to make her tremble when he looked at her.
“Are we going to be back in time to ride horses with Daddy? He promised me that we would go for a long outing. He said we could pack a lunch and have a picnic. How much further ‘til we get there? I just can’t wait until tomorrow. Daddy said that I could ride Ramses. Did you know that that is Daddy’s favorite horse? He is my favorite too.”
Suppressing a snicker Miranda had to choose the right words to prevent her son from rambling on. Trying to save him the disappointment that would await him in the morning she began, “We’ll have to see about that, Tanner. Mommy also has something special planned for tomorrow. You’ll have to go to sleep so that morning will come. Here’s your blankie, sweet dreams!”
Glancing at the sleeping faces of her children Miranda was torn between her decision to leave or to return home. Steve was passed out when she left and she could return without him even realizing that she had gone. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d tried. Was she doing the right thing? The children loved their father so much even after all the grief he had caused them. There was also no denying the love that she could see in Steve’s eyes whenever he looked at them, especially Rhiannon. She was definitely Daddy’s little girl. How would she ever make up for removing Rhiannon from her father? Tanner, too, would be disappointed. He spent endless hours trailing behind Steve while he worked on the farm. They rode horses every Sunday, now who would he ride with? He couldn’t get enough of Steve’s attention and would take it in anyway that it presented itself, even if it was negative.
Resentful of the precarious situation she was being placed in Miranda felt a new wave of mixed emotions. Anger and fear left a bitter taste in her mouth. Suddenly all the sounds: roaring cars, murmurings from the radio, quiet breathing of the children and now the falling rain on the car became screeching noises in her head. It was unbearable and made it difficult for her to think. She felt like screaming! Wishing for some sign or help to come her way Miranda began to thump her head on the steering wheel.
Brrrring! Brrrring!
Lifting her head she grabbed her cell phone and pressed send. “Hello”, she said shakily, annoyed at the intrusion. It seemed she couldn’t get privacy no matter where she was; even sitting on the toilet, she thought in remembrance. Miranda’s sobs began again when she heard the reassuring voice reply,
“How’s my girl?”
Mom, she thought with a sigh, “What are you calling me so late for? How did you know to reach me at this number? No one knows it.”
“Don’t you remember? You gave it to me last week? Where are you? I tried you at home and no one answered. I got worried. I thought Steve …”
“Mom, I’m fine …. now.” Miranda interrupted. Feeling a decision beginning to form she mustered up the courage, cleared her throat and continued, “I need to ask something I never thought I’d have too.” The humility still in her voice, “The kids and I need a place to stay for a while. Can we,” the lump in her throat was a melon, “stay with you and Dad?”
The silence was excruciating and Miranda held her breath. She felt like a child again … needing to run to Mommy.
“You know that you don’t have to ask us. You are always welcome at our house, no matter what! When should we expect you?”
Choking down another sob at hearing her mother’s caring and sincere voice Miranda replied, “We should be there in about three hours. Thanks a lot, Mom!” Miranda paused, “And Mom, I love you!”
“I love you too, sweetie! Please drive carefully.”
“I will. See you later.” Sniffling quietly Miranda glanced back at her children, they were once again peacefully sleeping. Everything’s going to be all right, angels, she thought. Then she turned around and started the car’s engine. Taking a deep breath, she pulled out onto the four-lane highway. The darkness of the night was a silent comfort as she drove towards her new life.
“Oh-Whiskey, if you were a woman
I’d fight you and I’d win, Lord knows I would
Whiskey, if you were a woman
I’d drive you from his tangled mind for good”
She managed a weak laugh at the thought of how realistic the lines sounded as she tried to hum along between her self-indulgent sobs. Leaning her head into her rough, unmanicured hands, she rubbed her unkept black eyebrows back and forth with such fervor that it felt as if she might uproot them.
Her body seemed to be on autopilot; she was barely aware of her driving. Only the feel of the air conditioning blowing the auburn curls around her sea green eyes kept her occasionally in this world. Her mind raced through the events that had brought her to this point in her miserable, confining life. Oh, if only one had hindsight. Would she have done it differently? What went wrong? Why couldn’t she see it? Did she see it but refuse to accept the eventual outcome? Was there ever any way to stop this freight train from crashing?
Pictures like scenes from a movie flashed in front of her, bringing on more tears. Finally Miranda spotted the rest stop ahead. She pulled off the busy four-lane highway and shut off the car. Here, in the dark, with only the sound of her two children’s breathing and the buzzing of the cars, she let the floodgates open. She shook her head in amazement at how she had spent the last 15 years of her life. The first 7 were fine, in fact, sometimes they were so wonderful she had to pinch herself. The trouble with Steve’s addiction all started when his father died. This is when her life became a rollercoaster of emotions. Placing her head on the steering wheel, she cried uncontrollably trying to stop the onslaught of events that were playing in her head.
Warm breezes gusted through the truck window and blew Miranda’s hair. She looked over at Steve, he was crying like a baby and shakily topping his coffee mug again with vodka. Her heart went out to him and she completely understood why he would want to drown his sorrows. She couldn’t imagine what it felt like to loose a father. God knows that if she felt this terrible he must be falling apart inside. She could grant him this one temporary comfort. He looked so childlike; vulnerable as he sipped his drink, “Why did he have to die? What was he doing down that road anyway?” he sobbed these words for the hundredth time during the drive home. Steve leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
Miranda was awful at consolation, she had no words of advice; all she could do was listen and even felt inept at that. So she chose to remain silent and kept driving and thinking; thinking and driving. It seemed like only moments when she noticed that it was silent in the vehicle. She glanced at the clock and realized that an hour had transpired. Steve had finally passed out. Miranda was amazed to see that the twenty six of vodka was almost empty.
“Empty!” Miranda laughed out loud, “Boy was I a fool. That one empty bottle turned into a graveyard of empties. God, if I had only known that the bottle would replace me as your best friend I may not have made that pit stop at the liquor store that day.” Feeling the anger well up inside Miranda clenched her hand into a fist and slammed it into the steering wheel. “Damn that booze! It has ruined you and us. The house was too crowded with it there. It made you become an impossible person to love.”
Miranda’s feet became feathers when she spotted Steve’s truck in the drive. She was not expecting him for a few more hours. Delighted that she had prepared for their anniversary days before, she skipped into the yard.
“Why the hell are you so late? Your lunch break starts earlier than this. I came home sooner so we could spend some time together, now you’ve ruined it. How typically selfish of you!” Steve blurted out. Miranda’s pace slowed down still intending to give him a kiss until he continued, “You’re just like your bitch of a mother. Always thinking of yourself.”
Swiftly the gentle wind sent the noxious aroma of alcohol to Miranda’s nose. Sighing she thought to herself, “Oh no, not again! Just ignore these rude remarks once he sleeps it off everything will be okay. Maybe when he sees the roses I left for him he might soften up a bit.” Out loud she replied, “I sure missed you. Why don’t you come on inside and I’ll make you something to eat?”
“Missed me! Sometimes I wonder!”
“Oh, you will forget all that when you see what I have planned for us tonight.” Feeling the excitement return she reached over and caressed his thigh and said seductively, “I’ve sent the kids to Mom’s for a few days and we will have the chance to…”
“You did what?” Steve replied slapping her hand away, “What makes you think that I want to spend the night alone with you; without my kids? You’re so stupid! I have been gone for two weeks and now I will have to wait a few more days to see them. Don’t you ever think?”
Miranda’s eyes filled with tears. Turning away she fled up the stairs and into the house. “I can’t do this today. Today of all days he has to come home drunk. Oh God how I hate this.” She flopped herself down at the table trying to compose herself only to be immediately disturbed by Steve’s next remark.
“Don’t walk away from me when I am talking to you. What are those on the table? I see you have been wasting our money again! You are quite useless if you can’t remember that I told you I despise flowers. Sometimes I don’t know why I ever married you. Maybe we should just get a divorce. I’d be better off without you and the headaches you cause me.”
Miranda could not contain herself anymore, “You’re such a prick! I am sick and tired of you treating me like a child. I feel that when you are around I should be seen and not heard. Well, not this time. And as for these roses,” she said picking up the large crystal vase and threwing it at him, “You can shove them up your ass. If I wanted to be treated like shit I would have stayed at work for the lunch hour.” Miranda grabbed her keys, furiously slammed the door and ran back to work trying to tidy up her tearstained face.
That scene, she reflected, was only one of many. Over the last few years there didn’t seem to be a day that went by without Miranda having to walk around on eggshells. It didn’t matter when Steve started drinking in the day it was just the fact that once he started there was no stopping him until he passed out. He became such a mean person, not physically but cutting with the words. Sarcasm was just something he seemed to serve up with dessert.
“I spent most of my life trying to become a strong person and in just a few short years you made sure there wasn’t anything but a trace left of that strength. You degraded me, cut me off from my family and made me frightened to ever make a mistake. All I ever seemed to wish for was for you to pass out. That was the only time I felt any sanity from your sickness. Now, here I sit more scared than I have ever been.” Miranda shivered as she thought of how her life had changed and tried hard to decide what her next step should be.”
“Mommy, why are you crying?” Quickly wiping her nose and drying her eyes Miranda turned to look at her sweet baby girl, Rhiannon. She looked so small in the back seat with her long hair all a mess and her big brown eyes showing so much concern. “Would you like to hug Odie? He always makes me feel better.”
“Mommy just has the sniffles. She’ll be okay.” Taking the cuddly stuffed puppy out of her daughter’s hand she replied, “I’d love to hug Odie. Thank you! Now go back to sleep.”
Brushing Odie along her cheek, Miranda smiled. The faintest aroma of cologne lingered on the velvety fur. She sighed remembering the day Steve won Odie. They had spent the whole day together laughing and holding hands while walking the hot pavement at the fairgrounds. After shooting only three dummy bullets Steve had hit his mark each time on the wooden gopher. Afraid to lose his winnings by trying again he had accepted the treasure and lovingly handed it over to her with a long, wet kiss. Reminiscing about their erotic nature walk afterward sent a shiver up Miranda’s spine. His tender caresses and gentle lovemaking were so vivid that she felt her heart begin to race like it was still happening. No other man had ever made her feel this way. He even had the ability to make her tremble when he looked at her.
“Are we going to be back in time to ride horses with Daddy? He promised me that we would go for a long outing. He said we could pack a lunch and have a picnic. How much further ‘til we get there? I just can’t wait until tomorrow. Daddy said that I could ride Ramses. Did you know that that is Daddy’s favorite horse? He is my favorite too.”
Suppressing a snicker Miranda had to choose the right words to prevent her son from rambling on. Trying to save him the disappointment that would await him in the morning she began, “We’ll have to see about that, Tanner. Mommy also has something special planned for tomorrow. You’ll have to go to sleep so that morning will come. Here’s your blankie, sweet dreams!”
Glancing at the sleeping faces of her children Miranda was torn between her decision to leave or to return home. Steve was passed out when she left and she could return without him even realizing that she had gone. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d tried. Was she doing the right thing? The children loved their father so much even after all the grief he had caused them. There was also no denying the love that she could see in Steve’s eyes whenever he looked at them, especially Rhiannon. She was definitely Daddy’s little girl. How would she ever make up for removing Rhiannon from her father? Tanner, too, would be disappointed. He spent endless hours trailing behind Steve while he worked on the farm. They rode horses every Sunday, now who would he ride with? He couldn’t get enough of Steve’s attention and would take it in anyway that it presented itself, even if it was negative.
Resentful of the precarious situation she was being placed in Miranda felt a new wave of mixed emotions. Anger and fear left a bitter taste in her mouth. Suddenly all the sounds: roaring cars, murmurings from the radio, quiet breathing of the children and now the falling rain on the car became screeching noises in her head. It was unbearable and made it difficult for her to think. She felt like screaming! Wishing for some sign or help to come her way Miranda began to thump her head on the steering wheel.
Brrrring! Brrrring!
Lifting her head she grabbed her cell phone and pressed send. “Hello”, she said shakily, annoyed at the intrusion. It seemed she couldn’t get privacy no matter where she was; even sitting on the toilet, she thought in remembrance. Miranda’s sobs began again when she heard the reassuring voice reply,
“How’s my girl?”
Mom, she thought with a sigh, “What are you calling me so late for? How did you know to reach me at this number? No one knows it.”
“Don’t you remember? You gave it to me last week? Where are you? I tried you at home and no one answered. I got worried. I thought Steve …”
“Mom, I’m fine …. now.” Miranda interrupted. Feeling a decision beginning to form she mustered up the courage, cleared her throat and continued, “I need to ask something I never thought I’d have too.” The humility still in her voice, “The kids and I need a place to stay for a while. Can we,” the lump in her throat was a melon, “stay with you and Dad?”
The silence was excruciating and Miranda held her breath. She felt like a child again … needing to run to Mommy.
“You know that you don’t have to ask us. You are always welcome at our house, no matter what! When should we expect you?”
Choking down another sob at hearing her mother’s caring and sincere voice Miranda replied, “We should be there in about three hours. Thanks a lot, Mom!” Miranda paused, “And Mom, I love you!”
“I love you too, sweetie! Please drive carefully.”
“I will. See you later.” Sniffling quietly Miranda glanced back at her children, they were once again peacefully sleeping. Everything’s going to be all right, angels, she thought. Then she turned around and started the car’s engine. Taking a deep breath, she pulled out onto the four-lane highway. The darkness of the night was a silent comfort as she drove towards her new life.